Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize