Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
