Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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