now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
