someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Oh god it's open bar.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
