just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
