I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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