Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
