Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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