I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
