are you so shy because you have an std?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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