Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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