TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
