yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
