It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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