So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
