I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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