barbara walters just said penis...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my being single is dangerous.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
