The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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