Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
