I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
