Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
