He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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