Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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