sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
