apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
