i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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