Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
