You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
nutella sex= disaster
my shit smells like andre
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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