She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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