Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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