I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
