i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
