Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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