Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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