my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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