I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
