Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
