Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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