Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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