I have demons in me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
