I'm really into asian looking animals
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
We smell like vodka and hangover
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
