Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
