All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
