can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
