I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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