drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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