I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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