I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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