Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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