my soul wont recognize me after tonight
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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