my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
