she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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