Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
