After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
