If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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