Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
