I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.